Motherhood

The Darkest Shade of Blue

Two days ago, an incident in Bangalore jolted me deeply from inside. It was an incident where a mother, pushed her 7 years-old differently-abled daughter from the terrace of her flat. That helpless little girl, Shreya, died on the spot. The mother told the Police that her daughter was restless and she decided to throw her down to calm her. When I read the news and looked at the picture of the mother, my first thought was – she looks sick and she needs help. Depression may be? However, I am not in favour and support of her actions at all.

She looked like a mother suffering from depression and loneliness. She was separated from her husband and bringing up her daughter all by herself. Surely, it couldn’t have been easy for her. I am a mother too and I don’t think any mother would want to harm her own child, come what may! Then, what must be going in her mind before taking this drastic step? Were her problems big enough to take the life of her own child? What was she thinking? What triggered her to do this? Did she have friends to speak to? Did she have parents in whom she could have found her shelter?

This accident took me back a few years and reminded me of a phase I went through.

dep1

It was around the time our first child was born. A little fairy came into our life, who continues to light up our world with her exuberance. Our whole family welcomed her with utmost love and affection. Everyone around me was excited and full of glee and joy. But, I was feeling something else. I was happy and sad at the same time. In initial few weeks, my days and nights were just for her. Despite having help and support from family, I took the charge to take care of her in my own way. I never paid any heed to the unsolicited bits of advice and suggestions. Having said all of that, it took me a few weeks to actually feel the bond with her. But, why! I didn’t know the answer myself. I felt like I was losing myself. Every now and then I would burst into bouts of crying and throw unnecessary tantrums causing troubles to the people I love the most. Why was I behaving like this?

dep3.png

After few months, I was feeling emotionally drained more than ever. My husband is always full of energy and pays so much attention, but, even then I was feeling neglected. I was craving for a real conversation since now all our conversations were around baby meals, vaccination, diapers and everything baby. I started EMOTIONAL EATING and gained a lot of weight during the first year post-partum. I was also struggling with body issues since I didn’t like the way my body became. My confidence and self-esteem were at the lowest. I was always irritated and my anger flared up at drop of a hat. Meanwhile, I was growing fonder of my daughter and my love grew deeper. I didn’t let my emotional trauma impact my bond with her.

All this while, I kept confusing my feelings with mommy blues, but little did I know that I was heading towards DEPRESSION. I was constantly feeling like I was entering a dark tunnel with no end and no redemption. NOBODY NOTICED. I NEVER SPOKE! And this was my biggest mistake.

Around the time when our daughter was about to turn 2 years, my husband saw me unhappy with my physical appearance. He decided to get me the membership at one of the best health clubs in the town. I kept saying no and finding excuses but he was adamant. This decision turned my life around 360 degrees. We decided to put our daughter in a daycare that was in my husband’s office campus and she started going there regularly. That gave me much-needed breather and space. We wanted her to start socialising and get rid of her separation anxiety. She would go there for a few hours, while I was at the gym.

dep4Days passed, our daughter grew a little more and I started to enjoy my workout everyday. I was losing weight and gaining confidence. I was calmer and happier but, it wasn’t the easiest road. I was working hard on to get over my body issues and proving to myself that this is not what I am; I can and I will come out of the tunnel I was into. It took me over a year and humungous amount of self-motivation to get back to feeling normal. I am very proud of myself to redeem myself back and how!!! Now when I look back, I think I could have atleast shared my feelings with my lifelong buddy – my husband.

Overcoming my depression and complexes would have become easier if I have spoken out about them. If, only!


Depression is a silent killer. Depression is widely prevalent in women in all age groups especially in India where 1.2 billion population lives. In the current scenario of under-diagnosed, untreated cases of females suffering from depression, the hurdles faced by Indian women include the inadequate number of mental health professionals, lack of awareness, stigma, disadvantaged position of women, multiple roles, increased levels of stress, and domestic violence. Up to 85% of mothers experience postpartum blues, a temporary condition beginning in the first 2–4 days after giving birth peaks between postpartum days 5 and 7, and dissipating by the end of the second postpartum week. The multiple roles played by Indian women contribute to stress, thereby making her susceptible to depression, which is often under-reported due to stigma. (stats source)

62 thoughts on “The Darkest Shade of Blue

  1. Really good to see that you are Doing efforts , my story is way to different but still the last line u spoke that came into my mind and after that now I am feeling lot more confident wish u luck 😍 waiting for your full confident transformation.

  2. I also read this incident that happened in Bangalore in newspaper. I also feel so bad for both mother and daughter. They both were need someone to look after them. But still no one can understand the pain of that mother. And you are doing great that you overcome your problem of depression. It is like a slow poison. So better to take care of ur self. You are like inspiration for others.

  3. regarding the incident all i can say is she needed help loneliness is a killer…You wrote my thoughts even when I read that I couldn’t not blame her but think of the trauma she must be going through…your story is really inspiring

  4. Depression is something very few people want to talk about. Accepting that they are in depression is another task cause most people treat it as a ‘mental’ problem. Good you spoke about it, I am concurrent with your words.

  5. People start being judgemental the moment they hear that a “mother” pushed her child – rest all they dont want to ponder over- becoz they just dont see mothers being evil- im glad not everyone thinks typically and actually pities the mother- no one can ever understand the depression and stress of being a single parent to a disabled child- thanks for suchh a beautiful post!

  6. It’s good to see how you have emerged… keep going 😀 Sadly many are facing depression these days

  7. 😰 I haven’t heard about that news. Gotta read! Depression is a serious illnesss. I know someone who went through the same phase after child birth.

  8. My brother had been to depression and if he wouldn’t have gotten instant help then, I don’t know what might have happened! You are really strong, be strong!

  9. I understand a mother undergoes a phase of dipression for sure once. But, the love and support of freinds and family really does wonders. Loved reading your post.

  10. I hv not read that need but yeah this is really sad for that little girl. Yeah!! Depression is really silent killer..happy u got great hubby who understands u..

  11. Oh my goodness…how awful. The mother’s response is in an indication that she may not be well. It doesn’t even make sense. It deeply saddens me the thought of how she will feel when she comes to her senses and realize what she’s done.

  12. You are really brave to openly come up and talk about this issue. Many new mothers, overwhelmed by their new responsibilities, forget to take care of their mental and physical health.

  13. What a motivational story, it happens with most of the women due to sudden changes that comes with the baby care. Putting chldren for sometime in daycare helps development of both, mum as well as child and enhances the social circle. Good post!

  14. Ok she was separated from her husband and bringing up her daughter all by herself. Surely, it couldn’t have been easy for her. But she did not do right,I will die but I can not harm my son. Mother’s work gives birth, not to kill anybody.

  15. Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m happy to hear that you started to recover and get back to feeling normal. There is no lightning-bolt moment when you realise you are losing your sense of self; just an absence. Very often, the silence and stigma shaped how you dealt with your illness: indeed, you struggled with the very idea of being ill.

  16. My heart aches reading this piece. I had the mommy blues with my first and didn’t realize it. Then with my second a nurse at the hospital talked to me and when I realized it was starting again I sought help. Depression can be lonely and hard to get through without support.

  17. The topic you chose is brave – brave because we mothers know very well that go through phases which calls for serious management skills. Some cope well with support other’s slide down the fall.
    Loved your honesty and efforts to create awareness. All the best to you!

  18. Oh my goodness, what a sad story. Depression is a killer. I know as I have it too. Thankfully, I now know how to get myself out of it quickly. Good luck to your always.

  19. Wow thank you for your willingness to be transparent and openly share your story. You’re shedding light on the important issue of mental health.

  20. I have been through it and i am glad I made out of it. Depression is something i wud call one of the most dangerous ailment. We dont really know that we are silently suffering..

  21. This is really important for everyone to know, I completely agree with you on it being a silent killer. And I’m glad that you’ve progressed since then.

  22. Wow, what a story! Depression is very serious and can be harmful not only to yourself but others. I’m hoping that you were able to overcome it now but it will always be there so talking about it very important.

  23. Depression can be a difficult thing even when you are experiencing it. My father past this month 5 years ago and It hit me, without me knowing. My husband cried to our pastor that he didn’t know how to help me deal with my depression. I denied it, because I didn’t recognized it, I just thought I was really sad. But it was so much more.

    1. Thank you so much for reading. Depression is devastating. You’re right about feeling sad all the time. This was a constant feeling in my heart too. I was never like that and couldn’t see myself in pain anymore. Thank you for sharing your experience.

  24. Wow, that is just a heartbreaking story! I’m about to become a mom and I just can’t imagine. Depression is a horrible but very treatable condition.

  25. Very thoughtful.I know many women suffer from postnatal depression ,I did too.Also the fact that you are suddenly responsible for a small human being 24/7 can be overwhelming for some .To cope with it comes naturally to some but for others time n support is crucial.In India,it is difficult for people to fathom this reality which makes it all the more difficult for depressed mothers to reach for help…
    Like the way you haven’t been judgemental n touched upon a subject which instantly puts you in the so called ” mentally unstable”bracket.Thanks for writing about it!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *