Monitoring kids refers to parents’ knowing and somewhat controlling what the child is doing—when, where, and with whom. This is required to ensure the safety and well-being of children. However, too much monitoring and control can feel suffocating to them. Who said parenting is easy?
Monitoring kids is like walking a tightrope. Too much and you risk them thinking that you don’t trust them; too little and there is a chance they may get into trouble. The need to nurture, protect, and teach children the right way to do things versus the ability to give them the freedom to make their own choices and become independent are two opposing emotions. Balancing both correctly is challenging.
But the need for balance is indispensable, even though it is extremely tricky. When you have toddlers that are almost entirely dependent on you for nourishment, safety, entertainment, and education, it is easy to guide them—to the point of instructing and having them obey you just the way you want.
With teenagers or kids who are in primary school, it is much harder to make them do what you want, the way you want, since they are developing an individual identity with their opinions and perspectives. Often, these can get to the point of being rebellious if not managed carefully
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Why is It Important to Give Freedom?
Children are innocent and mostly have a positive attitude toward everything and everyone. They may not be old enough or wise enough to comprehend the dangers lurking in society. As parents, we must ensure that they understand this and make responsible, well-informed choices. When children are allowed to make their own decisions, they learn from their actions and consequences.
Most parents tell their children exactly what to do and how to do it because it is easier and safer. On the other hand, if you let your kids explore and learn from their mistakes, it is through experience that they will learn how things must be done.
Children who are given the freedom to choose their own clothing, the colors they want to paint with or the way they wish to pack their school bags, etc. become better at managing their emotions. They learn critical thinking, interpersonal skills, and conflict management and can interpret the cause and consequence.
These are crucial life skills that children will be deprived of if you don’t let them make any decisions, take every tiny decision for them right from the beginning. But freedom is not free and comes with great responsibility.
Why Is It Required to Monitor Children?
If children have to become capable of handling their freedom, they still need to have someone who monitors their activities and ensures that they don’t misuse their freedom. If parents let their children surf the Internet for hours, go out with friends without informing them about their whereabouts, or spend their pocket money in secret – it can be very difficult for you to ensure that your children are not in bad company, picking up any bad habits, or exposed to unsuitable content online.
The other side of this situation is that while so much freedom will seem fun to kids, they may eventually get a feeling that you are not bothered about what they do and with whom. This might also result in children purposely making bad decisions just to gain your attention and land in trouble.
What are the Consequences of Over-Controlling Children?
Now comes the aspect of over-controlling children, which can have certain negative consequences, such as:
- Anxiety or Depression: If you over-monitor or keep a tight watch on your children all the time, your children might develop anxiety or depression due to constant interference.
- Low self-esteem: They can develop low self-worth and imposter syndrome as well.
- Lack of trust: Constant control and a lack of freedom might also make your children feel that you don’t trust them and consider them as responsible individuals.
- Becoming rebellious: Constant monitoring and controlling can also lead to building up anger, resentment, and the urge to rebel. Your kids might also end up making rash, unhealthy decisions just to get away from your control.
All children, no matter how old they are, need their own space to be nurtured. Giving it to them will build a healthy relationship between you and your children where you can teach them to communicate openly.
Trust Goes Both Ways
It is extremely important to understand that trust goes both ways. If, as parents, you check your children’s phones or online activity secretly, read their personal diaries, eavesdrop on their conversations, etc. – knowingly or unknowingly, you are breaching their trust. Once your children feel betrayed, the communication lines will close.
Similarly, if your children expect you to give them a certain amount of freedom, they must be honest about their activities and share any problems with you or someone in the home they trust. Children imitate what they see, and hence, adults can teach children by following these rules themselves.
How Can Parents Connect with Children and Build Trust?
Fulfilling their wants for material things will make your kids happy, but connecting with them at an emotional level requires extra efforts that satisfy their nontangible expectations and needs from you, like attention, care, response, involvement, trust, etc. Here is what you can do to build a strong connection with your children:
- Separate the activities that your children do alone from those that they want to do with you. Make sure that the family lunches and dinners are a part of your routine. Include children in household chores and chat with them often.
- Share your daily experiences with your children so that they feel comfortable sharing their own as well.
- Set rules for your children’s study time, playtime, phone and Internet use, outings with friends, and ways to keep you informed about their whereabouts.
- Always listen when your children share something with you. Be alert to any sudden behavioral changes.
- Get to know your child’s friends, invite them home, and stay in touch with their parents so that you know the company they are in.
Handling Conflict or Breach of Trust
If your children are not honest about something or if they overstep the boundaries you have laid down for them, you can give them a warning or take away certain privileges to make them understand that there are consequences to their unruly behavior.
Setting boundaries is very important right from the start. It should be made understood to them that they can enjoy privileges as long as they abide by the rules that are in place for their safety. However, keep the communication open with some scope for negotiation.
Punishing children for a breach of trust or invading their privacy in return will only make matters worse. Children must know that there is always room for amends if they own up to their mistakes, apologize, and rectify their actions. The same applies to you as well. Practice what you preach. Not shying away from admitting a mistake or apologizing to your children will teach them that their feelings are safe with their parents.
Bottomline
Ensure healthy, open communication amongst all family members. Always be there for one another no matter what problem arises. Let children learn through example. When children learn to make their own choices and take responsibility for the consequences, it goes a long way in creating adults with sound personalities and good citizens.
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