Apologies aren’t meant to change the past, they are meant to change the future.
Kevin Hancock
Being a parent is a huge responsibility; one that we are not automatically equipped for but which we need to learn and grow into. It is natural for us, just like our kids, to make mistakes or lose our cool from time to time. Many children witness their parents messing up but seldom do they receive a sincere acknowledgement and apology.
In most cultures across the world, parents are considered to have an authoritarian role. There is a hierarchy in the family that is not to be questioned. The idea that “mother knows best” is often deeply rooted in the parenting system. This gives parents a kind of immunity that lets them off the hook no matter what they do; which leaves the children with the thought – “why don’t parents say sorry?
Why do parents shy away from apologizing?
In most cases, even when parents realize that they were in the wrong, they do not believe in saying sorry to children because they feel it undermines their authority. There is a fear that children will consider you to be weak and will not respect your position anymore. And hence, it will be harder to discipline the kids in future.
Another factor is that a lot of parents don’t want to appear vulnerable in front of their children, especially fathers. Fathers like to carry an image of being emotionally strong and in many cultures, they are not expressive about their love or any other emotions towards their children.
What do children learn if you don’t apologize?
Most studies show that children understand their parents better if they are able to explain the reasons for their yelling or snapping and see them as just kids who can make mistakes too. When parents don’t apologize to their children for anything, kids learn that if you are in a position of authority, you never have to apologize.
What kind of adults would such children make, who are never taught to take responsibility for their actions or acknowledge that something they did may have hurt someone?
Pin it!
When do parents need to apologize?
As per some experts, it is a good idea to apologize in situations where you know that you are actually at fault, overly reacted in a certain situation or misunderstood something told to them. In situations when you choose to punish your kids or scold them, talk to them later and make them understand the reason behind your response and reaction – and definitely gently apologize.
Apologize if you promised to make time for them and then didn’t. Say sorry if you forgot something that you were to do for or with them but couldn’t. You can blame it on your busy schedule or work stress, but for a child, it is a big deal if you don’t keep your promise or if you can’t give them the attention they demand.
Should parents say sorry to their children?
Most parents, while regretting their actions, try to make amends by offering material gratification to their kids in the form of a new toy, cooking their favourite meal or taking them out. It is true that love is expressed in many ways and parents often show it through their actions. But this cannot replace the words “I am sorry”, and “I was wrong” – that acknowledge and validate their feelings.
Parents expect their children to apologize each time they do something wrong. But children imbibe what they see. Therefore, you cannot expect your kids to apologize if they have never seen you say it to them or to your partner. You have to practice what you preach.
Therefore, the answer to the question is – Yes! Parents shouldn’t be afraid of saying sorry to their young and impressionable children.
What apologizing teaches children?
Your child gets scared when you lose your temper, raise your voice, scold or choose to hit them in some cases. They often do not understand why they were on the receiving end of your yelling or what they did to tick you off. No matter how young or old a child is, their self-esteem gets bruised when they are talked down or belittled.
When you say sorry or admit your fault in front of your children, it normalizes apologizing and teaches them to take responsibility for their actions. They see that you understand their fear. It will comfort them that their fears and feelings are being acknowledged and accepted. It will teach them to be considerate towards another person’s feelings.
But is it enough to just say Sorry? You must explain the reasons for your actions so that your kids can understand your perspective as well. An apology must include the reason for your actions as well as steps that you will take to avoid similar incidents in future. When kids receive an apology from their parents, they learn that there is always an opportunity to make amends. It teaches them the value of actions and subsequent consequences.
How not to apologize?
It is difficult to put your ego aside and be vulnerable. However, doing this will avoid any emotional conflict with your children.
The objective of an apology is not to punish or blame the child. Many parents apologize in a way that tells the child that they deserved what they got. This is not going to make things better. It will in fact decrease the child’s confidence.
If you tell your child that you yelled at them because they left their toys all over the place, they will feel that their actions deserved a scolding. However, if look deeply within yourself, the actual reason you yelled was that you lost your patience or because you did not try another way of ensuring the child finished a task. Sometimes you have an argument with your bosses or partner, and that anger and frustration get trickled down to the child – or let’s call it “the ripple effect.” It’s unfair towards your child who is just being a child.
What you should never do is apologize and still continue the same behaviour. This will not teach your kids about boundaries and respecting them. This will teach children that apologies can be hollow and don’t mean anything. They will eventually learn that apologies need not be sincere or that one can say Sorry and get away with the same things in future.
Recognize that you and your child, both are growing and learning together through experience. It is okay to make mistakes. But once you apologize for it, you have to make conscious efforts to ensure that the unpleasant incident does not happen again.
Bottomline
Bringing up responsible adults starts at home. Learning to apologize when in the wrong is a crucial life skill that parents must learn if they want their children to become emotionally strong adults. This will help them in their interpersonal relationships in their adulthood. It will also avoid resentment and fear for parents in their minds. Offering a sincere apology with the promise to never repeat the action will build respect and trust in children toward their parents.
