To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.
-Thich Nhat Hanh
Motherhood and self-doubt go hand in hand. Right? If motherhood ever had to be renamed, I am pretty sure that “self-doubt” would be a perfect replacement. Jokes apart, motherhood is all about striking a fine balance between to-dos and not-to-dos with wisdom and intelligence that you never knew existed.
It’s not a hidden fact that mothers go through massive physical, mental and emotional changes after the baby arrives. Our minds are always filled with doubts and fear of failure. Being judged by the family and society definitely tops the list.
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According to studies, women’s self-esteem drops after pregnancy. Some women’s self-esteem never improves after becoming a mother, while others experience an improvement after six months.
Social media, movies, web series, etc. paint an imaginary picture of mothers who can never do wrong. They put the moms on a pedestal that’s unrealistic. As a result, it’s widely believed that motherhood is all rainbows and roses. Well, the breaking news is that mothers are humans too!
Self-doubts that arise in the mind of a new mother
As a new mom, your mind will always be filled with doubts and questions which is natural. It’s your first experience and everything is new. You’re thinking about what kind of mother you want to be? Are you capable of giving your child the love she deserves? Are you ever going to match the levels your parents set for you? Will you be able to give your baby a life of safety and comfort?
So, what do you do when your mind gets clouded by self-doubt? Here are a few doubts that you might get and I have shed some light on how you can cope with them:
1. Everybody said that my life will change after having a baby. It did! But I don’t feel happy? Will I be judged as a bad mother if I told this to anyone?
Thanks to the flowery social media posts and the heightened display of love by mothers for their babies from the first day in the movies, this has knowingly and unknowingly burdened us, mothers, for feeling the love for our babies from the second they are born.
Your body has gone through an unbearable and tremendous amount of pain to bring your baby into the world. To judge yourself for not having that emotion from the first second of childbirth is unfair.
It’s okay and it’s completely natural! Give yourself time to heal first. The emotions and feelings for your baby will come in due time. Don’t ever feel bad and guilty of giving yourself that time to get back up on your feet – not in the present, future and past.
2. I don’t know why I am angry all the time? I am irritable, bad-tempered, grouching and snapping at everyone around me. My baby is healthy and my family loves me but this anger is so suffocating.
Listen up sister, whether it’s being angry at yourself for not knowing the first thing about breastfeeding or just being mad at the world because you don’t know how to stop your baby from crying, it’s not uncommon for mothers to feel agitated.
However, if the anger and irritability you’re experiencing are significant then it can be a sign that you need to reach out for help. And that’s normal too.
3. This is all my fault. If I try harder, it wouldn’t be this way. I am doing what’s best for my children and family.
This thought is so wrong because you have internalised the idea that if you tried harder, it wouldn’t be this way. But hey, this is not on you entirely. You deserve better. Don’t set unrealistic standards for yourself.
In every culture, motherhood is about 100% devotion to children and them as the only source of a mother’s life’s meaning and fulfilment. Children are always under the care of moms because fathers are thought to lack the right nurturing skills.
Listen up sister, everything is not your responsibility and everything is not your fault. The moment you realise this, the relief you feel will take you far from the guilt.
4. Gone are the days of going out, dressing up, wearing high heels and looking good. I am happier in the pyjamas. Motherhood has turned me into a socially awkward person.
This hits the home run! The following thoughts must have occurred in your mind atleast once:
– I am very conscious of feeding my baby in the social set-up
– I am constantly worried about my baby throwing up
– What if the baby starts crying because of colic pain or throws up?
– What about his nap time?
– I am not supposed to eat and drink a lot of things because I am still breastfeeding. What’s the point?
– I won’t be able to enjoy the party because I’ll be holding the baby the whole time. What’s the point?
– Just look at my face. I look terrible because of the dark circles I got due to lack of sleep.
– I don’t want to go because it’ll be too awkward to change diapers.
– See how fat I look. It would be so awkward for me.
– There’s no point in meeting people. I have nothing to talk about.
I can assure you that these thoughts are momentary and part of the phase that you are going through. Motherhood, unfortunately, also brings a lot of apprehensions and it also makes us socially awkward. It’s natural to get these feelings.
However, once the baby becomes more independent these feelings will start dissipating. You’ll find more time for yourself and slowly you will begin to return to your routine.
Although if you feel overwhelmed by all these mixed emotions and your feelings start weighing you down, you must reach out and talk to a therapist. There’s no shame in it!
Bottom line…
You may not be the perfect mother as per society standards but you are the perfect mother for your baby. Don’t let those artificial standards weigh you down. Remind yourself that you are doing your best and it’s okay not to have all the answers. Stop comparing yourself to other moms and find your own groove. Only you know what’s best for yourself and your baby.
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