Make your kids learn the difference between secrets and surprises
We all have secrets and we all love surprises. However, for children, it’s hard to tell the difference between a secret and a surprise unless they are made to clearly understand.
When the kids are past their toddler years, one of the major changes that you’ll notice in their behaviour is that their willingness to share their thoughts and emotions reduces gradually. A child who once came running to you to tell about every little thing is not doing it anymore. This behaviour is even more prominent in preteen years (9 – 11 years).
My elder daughter Miss D is 6.5 years old and this change is clearly evident in her. I have to keep asking her questions all day to know what’s going on in her mind. To understand her emotions, what is going in her school, amongst her friends, etc., I spend some alone time with her every day. I tell her about my day and my challenges. She feels comfortable confiding in me by knowing that I am there to listen.
My son RD is 2.5 years old and maybe too young to understand this, but I have already started encouraging him to tell us about his primal feelings for e.g. likes – dislikes, happy – sad, etc.
In my house, we don’t keep secrets. We always try our best to keep the communication open with the kids. Although, we love planning surprises and keep them like that until it’s time to reveal. We also make it very clear it’s a surprise, it’s temporary and not a secret for us to keep forever.
How do you to tell your child difference between secrets and surprises? How do you discourage her from keeping secrets?
There is no right or wrong age for encouraging your child to share their thoughts, feelings and emotions. It starts with asking questions and sometimes prodding. You will know so many things about your child by just asking a simple question like “what’s the funniest thing happened in the class today?” And then just keep the ball rolling. If your child appears disinterested or distracted then wait for some time before you asking anything else.
Be equally expressive with your child too. Your child should know and understand that you are the first person she should come to whenever she wants to talk or share. Encourage your child to tell the truth and not tell lies because he might be scared of getting punished.
Children easily understand the concept of a surprise. The best way to explain the basic difference between a secret and a surprise to your child is by telling her that a surprise is a temporary secret and we definitely want others to find out about it.
For example, buying a birthday present for daddy. It’s a secret but daddy and everyone else will eventually know about it. It’s not going to be a secret forever. A surprise is a secret that ends soon.
However, if your child is getting bullied or being physically abused or offended, then that’s a secret that the offender wants your child to keep forever. If you notice any change in your child’s attitude or behaviour, then address the issue immediately.
Teaching Difference Between Safe and Unsafe Secrets
The fact that children eventually learn and develop the quality of keeping secrets is inevitable. However, as a parent, you can teach them about which secrets are safe and unsafe to keep.
Talk regularly about safe and unsafe secrets with your child. Teach your child about safe and unsafe touch. Reassure your child that sharing a secret or telling the truth will not result in any punishment.
Some examples of safe secrets are:
- Surprise birthday parties
- Surprise gifts
- Surprise visits
- Any role-play game that’s not breaking any safety rule
- Family gossip unless there’s something that your child doesn’t need to know
Some examples of unsafe secrets are:
- Any kind of touch
- Foul communication or someone said something mean/bad
- Hurtful comments
- Threats and warnings
- Witnessing something unpleasant
Make sure that your child knows that she can always tell you if she has been asked to keep a secret. Whether it’s a friend that told her she couldn’t tell anyone or a babysitter or a nanny said, “It’s not of your parents’ concern,” make sure she knows it’s OK to tell you anyway.
Secrets and Confidentiality
Teach your child about privacy and confidentiality! It’s also important that your child knows that if she can’t keep a secret then she also doesn’t have to tell everyone about private affairs.
For e.g., she needs to understand that everyone is allowed privacy while changing clothes or going to the bathroom. Also, respecting other’s privacy is equally important.
Teach your child about not sharing her family’s private information outside the home. She needs to understand that some things that the family keeps within itself are not to be shared with the world.
For e.g., you won’t want your child to go tell the world about your loose motions or your the torn pajama that you wear at home all day.
The key is to look for those right teachable moments and hold ongoing conversations about the importance of respecting privacy, holding surprises and not keeping any secrets.
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